Playing in Prayer
“I’m terrible at prayer” my directee says with a sigh before looking to the side. “I mean, I don’t think I pray enough. And I’m never sure if I’m doing it…. right. I just feel like I’m missing something. It kind of feels like I’m trying too hard and not enough.”
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been trusted with some version of these words. Perhaps they will also sound familiar to you. Sometimes they come with a sigh, sometimes with tears, sometimes with a dismissive laugh. I try to pay attention to the nuances because, while the struggle to pray is shared, the story is always personal.
Often, though, what’s behind these prayer confessions is a heap of shoulds. When someone says they are terrible at prayer what they tend to be expressing is that prayer isn’t happening as much as they feel it should, or when it should or in the way it should. Underneath, there may be a painful anxiety about not being the right sort of person or having an inadequate experience of the Divine.
Shoulds and musts are rarely helpful on the spiritual path but they are particularly toxic when it comes to prayer. Together they form a cage that keeps prayer small, confined and tame. Yes discipline is helpful and good for us; it can assist us in finding a rhythm that gives us balance and stability. But I find that discipline is best used like seasoning, not as the main ingredient. When I start to overuse discipline my prayer life tends to get trapped in a tangle of shoulds or musts and I quickly run out of steam and give up. It’s forced. It’s not genuine. Eventually I remember that the heart of prayer is not performance but being myself in God and enjoying God’s love as myself.
“Shoulds and musts are rarely helpful on the spiritual path but they are particularly toxic when it comes to prayer. Together they form a cage that keeps prayer small, confined and tame.”
What, then, can we, as directors, offer if we begin to discern that someone’s prayer life might be trapped in a cage of shoulds?
Acceptance? Yes. Spacious presence? Of course. Questions that invite a deeper exploration? Absolutely.
We can also gently encourage the antithesis of shoulds and musts: play. With our questions and our presence we can invite our directees to step out of the cage of shoulds and musts and relax into a more playful way of praying. We can wonder together about what might happen if labels and binary right-and-wrong thinking were released and openness and curiosity were embraced. What or who helps them feel free to be unselfconsciously themselves? When do they become so present they lose track of time? What would it be like to reframe these times as prayerful or, if that feels difficult, pregnant with prayer? How might prayer begin to look or feel different?
“We can also gently encourage the antithesis of shoulds and musts: play. With our questions and our presence we can invite our directees to step out of the cage of shoulds and musts and relax into a more playful way of praying. We can wonder together about what might happen if labels and binary right-and-wrong thinking were released and openness and curiosity were embraced.”
Playing in prayer is a wild way to pray that doesn’t trivialise prayer or limit it to the cheery but expands it, transforming prayer from something closed and rigid into something open ended and vibrant. Playful prayer is prayer that’s curious and spontaneous and unpredictable. It’s what happens when we begin with an awareness of the Divine’s magnetic draw on our souls and trust it to take us further. The multiplicity of practices is no longer a problem to be resolved (Which one? How much? etc) but something to delight in and explore. Like a lakeshore enjoyed by many people in many ways, prayer can be a spacious place for us to come and enjoy being with and in the mysterious more of the One who invites us, both as a people and as persons. We can seek our way and not feel threatened by others having their own. And as spiritual directors we have the honour of being among the welcomers - the ones who say “come and play”.
Questions to help you reflect:
To what extent have shoulds or musts shaped your prayerlife?
How did you play as a child? What feels like play now?
What (if anything) would change if you approached prayer in a spirit of play?
How do you feel about those changes?
Jennifer Goodyer
Jennifer is a spiritual director who trained at the John Weborg Center of Spiritual Direction at North Park University. She lives in Bedford with her husband Tom and two children. She spends her time reading, writing, offering spiritual direction, hosting retreats and facilitating group learning and listening.
“Playing in Living Water: Practising a Prayerful Life is my welcome to those intrigued by playful prayer. Written from an inclusive Christian perspective and offering an expansive vision of prayer, the book includes short reflections on playful prayer and contains over 50 practices to explore. My intention is to provide some friendly companionship and gentle encouragement to those who are seeking to pray as themselves, without the shackles of shoulds and musts. I also hope that it might be a helpful resource for directors, with practices that can be used either to begin or close time together with their directees or as the basis for a guided meditation or practice.”
Find out more at www.jennifergoodyer.com or to buy the book click here.