Returning to the one thing…
I recently found my mind wandering back to my young self; I guess I was about 26.
I was going through one of those dark times; I couldn’t see the way forward, and each day was an ordeal to get through. Work days were particularly tough, and what was worse was that I had caused the situation. I had no-one to blame, and guilt and shame to contend with.
Each evening I would return home from work, and throw myself on my knees before a huge second-hand brown armchair. Often sobbing.
And then…
It was like a presence was there, a quiet presence …..like someone’s lap, like my hair being stroked. No words. I felt known, understood, loved, despite everything…a sense of comfort and reassurance stilled me.
A friend sent me a cassette (remember them :) ), and I played one song over and over again. It’s chorus was Isaiah 41v10.
Fear not, for I am with you,
Be not dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my right hand.
Along with kind friends, the old arm chair and the song got me through that time. Accompanied me. Surprised me with kindness. Mediated to me the compassion of a God that far from accusing and punishing, held reassured helped and strengthened me. I experienced that God deep in my bones.
I didn’t know at the time, It just felt like a nightmare and desperation, but maybe the repetition, the desperate daily practice of throwing myself into that chair, and letting that song wash over me time and time again, changed me within.
The chair and the cassette are long gone, but in retrospect that time was pivotal. Yes, I’ve known emotional and spiritual turmoil since and haven’t always been conscious of that God. But maybe my bones know. Because it’s what I come back to. My bedrock.
And it’s all I have to offer others really. In my pastoral ministry in days gone by, I probably sang that song over hundreds of people who were in dark places. Longing for them to know the kindness of God. A God who is with them.
And now, as a spiritual director, I experience the same longing, but know that people need to find their own words, their own practice. And so I listen out for their ‘one thing’ - something that resonates - some words, an image, an action, a practice - something that, even faintly, mediates something of the God who is WITH them. And I encourage them to return to that one thing, hoping they’ll be strengthened by God’s kindness.
And I wonder why this memory has returned to me and what I can now learn from my younger self. Is God inviting me to a particular practice, a particular song, in this season of my life?
Dawn Pointing
Dawn is a spiritual director, supervisor and retreat-giver. In a past life she was a systems analyst, an English teacher in China, Soho and Woolwich, and in pastoral ministry for some 40 years. She enjoys being a member of the LCSD community, and participating in various ways, currently teaching on the LCSD Refresher Course. She loves giving people the space to be listened to and to find that God is present. Three years ago, she and her husband moved to a home where they could offer hospitality to people they knew, who could do with some space to pray or simply to be. She hadn’t realised that the garden was so big, so is trying to learn that new skill, and has made a labyrinth and spaces to sit and to create. She is just about to go on sabbatical for three months, so that will give her the chance to practice this new skill and enjoy the space for herself.